Not Because of Who I Am

Becoming is more painful than I ever dreamed and more beautiful than I could have ever hoped.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Verses for a Father

A sense of Being is what I feel,
One I cannot fully explain
But it compels me to kneel

To kneel before the great and awesome One
From whom Peace flows as a river and brings Joy that warms the soul
As to the body by the sun

This sun, this Light, it pervades the cool of day
And the chill of Shadows
Where darkness lurks but cannot hold sway.

Cannot hold sway when we are one
And know the love
Of the Father, Spirit, Son

This love of God is so wild and free
Full of reckless, raging fury
Far higher and deeper and wider than the eye can see

O Love, you have painted this created world that I see
And it is so full of Beauty
That I cannot escape an awe of earth’s glorious Reality

You have hung the moon and the stars in space
And yet you still remember me
I along with other creatures, in your world do have a place

This blessing of being human is something I do not deserve
The joy of being alive, this wonder of feeling
So with this one life, your loves compels me you only to serve

Kyrie Eleison, what more can I can say
Before the face of Him
That provides for me the Way

The Way that demands my entire soul and heart,
My life—no less than my all
On this Way I am becoming a work of art

This Way that leads to eternal life
Does not come without cost
Is not found without strife

This love is never safe, yet always good
Though it will not be easy, your Comfort you’ve promised to provide
For in the place of temptation, our Savior also stood

Immanuel, our God is with us now
This Comforter seems almost too good to be true
Before such a Father, I can only bow

In the face of trials and times when you take away
I cannot help but be reminded of your promises
And what you say

That though we are tested, it’s just the refining of gold
Pure and holy is what you desire for us
So in the reality of your love, we are free to be bold

Bold to say that we will not bow
Your peace is always with me, in the darkest of times I can say

you are here, even now.

It is not possible to find a place where your love is not apparent—
The majesty of mountains, the flaming colors of the sky, all so ineffably sublime—
Your Goodness is yet reflected in a world that is errant

To you my thanks takes on many forms,
None the least of these is an appreciation of your character
Manifested by the color green, and the thundering of a coming storm

You tell the lightening where to strike
Why then do I still worry
About eating and clothing, my future, the like

You’ve always provided before
You know the desires of my heart, and I’ve seen this proved
You will forever give me what I need, and even more

I feel your presence, in close communion I know you are there
When my heart is stirred,
I long to be with you more than any where


I know that from me you are never far
Though I may doubt and question
When I am still I can recall the quiet whisper in my heart

and I know You are

Alone in the valley, in these Shadowlands that I know
Your image in me is being purified
And one day your perfection I will show

Though like a child I must be trained
When the fur is all pulled from this rabbit
Beauty will break though ashes and joy from the pain

I’m being molded to be more like you
Though I am imperfect and incomplete
You take this soul and make it new

You are the Great I Am,
Almighty God , my Father
The risen Son of Man

You are the Healer of the Broken
My Savior and Redeemer, who bore the sins of man
Into my heart your love has been spoken

Father, Spirit, Son, with my whole self, you only, you alone, I do adore
My life I lay before your Mercy
Of my love, my gifts, my wisdom, to you, I pour out my treasures store.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Technological Replace of Relationships and Love

Hawthorne and technology: His day and ours

Hawthorne’s critique of science in his day is chillingly applicable to the age in which we find our self now. It seems as if today, we are trying to find salvation and perfection in technology, using technology as a way to replace actually experiencing life, and having to love. For example, we see in The Birthmark, the husband is so obsessed with making his wife perfect before he can love her, that he never realizes that so long as his love is contingent upon her perfection, he is never really loving her at all. Even if she were to be perfect, he is loving the perfect object that he sees before him, not the fallen human being that must be accepted unconditionally. Technology is a substitute for love in this case, because love would mean bearing with her faults, and instead, he just wants to get rid of everything that makes her, her. This is replacing technology for real life, for “otherness.” Just the other day, Jen and I were reading through an article that talked about making robots to have around the house when your husband/wife/partner didn’t want to have sex. A robot for sex is essentially what it was. And that is horrifyingly gross and disgusting, largely because it is a perversion of such a great good. But it is what happens when we put our desires for happiness ahead of someone else’s good; when we want their attention, or their perfection according to how we think it ought to be, and are not willing to live with the person as they are. We are replacing human relationships with technology. Not having to wade through problems with another takes away a lot of what constitutes building a relationship. When we don’t have to be patient with another person, we lose the chance to build character. When we don’t have to sacrifice our desires for another person’s, we lose the choice of love, and in doing so, we lose love altogether because we don’t have to have it to live with someone.


Technology is good, but it cannot save us. It must be used in its proper place, just like everything else. What that proper place is, may not always be easy to determine. A lot of it seems good. But prolonging life at what cost? We must ask that question. And some technology (euthanasia) is a power that man should not have. Just because we can control something does not mean that we should. Even plastic surgery which, I believe, can have legitimate uses, out of hand, reminds me of The Birthmark, if it is used by people in their attempt to achieve happiness through physical perfection.


One thing is certain: the moment technology starts to fill a role in our life that relationships are supposed to play, we must run away from it fast, lest it turn us into a machine too: unfeeling and unloving because we don’t have to be.

Tradition and Progress in Burke's 'Reflections on a Revolution in France,' and American Society today

For Burke, the connection between tradition and progress is everything, the success of the latter being dependent on the former, while not excluding the understanding that sometimes innovation can be good. I think that a necessary connection does exist between progress and tradition. It is impossible to advance if you are consumed with reinventing the state in which you currently exist, instead of taking the good parts of it and moving forward.

Burke has great respect for the collective wisdom of one’s forefathers because he sees it as helpful in avoiding mistakes, and necessary for making progress as a society. When speaking of the latter, in terms of the improvements that England has made in science, arts, and literature, he credits the success to tradition. Part of this crediting of history is due to the fact that he sees society as a partnership that involves everyone from history, the present, and the future, making “each contract of each particular state but a clause in the great primeval contract of eternal society.”[1] He sees mankind across all of time as being interdependent, and thus history is intrinsically influential to progress. Burke says that one main cause of the improvements in science, the arts, and so forth, was the fact that England did not “despise the patrimony of knowledge which was left us by our forefathers.”[2]

Learning from the past also helps us avoid future mistakes. “In history,” Burke says, “a great volume is unrolled for our instruction drawing the materials of future wisdom from the past errors and infirmities of mankind.”[3] Here he is saying that all of history is in a sense, a book full of the lessons of people who have gone before us, and by reading the history of their triumphs and failures, we are able to benefit our own lives. The fact that we need to learn from history evidences the connection between progress and tradition. Learning from the successes and failures of the past allows us to not repeat their mistakes while simultaneously taking note of the strengths and implanting them.

It is important to note that even though Burke does hold tradition in such high esteem, he recognizes that there can be legitimate occasions for when change is necessary. “A state without the means of some change is without the means of its conservation,” Burke said. Sometimes change is the only means for the preservation of the state, so Burke lays out the two principles of right “conservation and correction” that England used during its revolution. Further explained, though England “has lost the bond of union in their ancient edifice; they did not however, dissolve the whole fabric. On the contrary, in both cases they regenerated the deficient part of the old constitution through the parts which were not impaired.”[4] Here Burke is identifying the two-fold formula for right revolution, or the correct way to go about changing established institutions or principles. What the English did correctly in their revolution was that they did not just overthrow their government and so dissolve the whole fabric of their society. Rather, they focused on the deficient parts, and rebuilt what needed attention, while leaving alone the “parts which were not impaired.” Change to something new is possible, but it should be incremental, and not without regard to what is still good about the old.

It is interesting to evaluate American society in light of reading Burke. We seem to be a society that is largely made up of people who are coming to eschew tradition more and more, and where being an innovator, or being on the cutting edge of society seems to make a person more accepted and interesting. While innovation in technology is good (yay for new media!), and I would not say that advancements in science are unqualifiedly bad, we must ask the question of what drives our desire for progress? Why do we think newer is better? What makes us want to reject the past?

It seems clear that if we disregard tradition, we will be ignoring what has brought us to where we are today. Our successes of the present, are, as Burke noted, connected to the past. We often hear the phrase ‘traditional values’ used in terms of the stability of our country. It is precisely in our values as a society that it is most important that we are careful to not throw away tradition just because newer might be better. Indeed, if our values as a society are correct, then the attitudes that drive science, technology and business will be able to be held in check. While tradition is not infallible, and as Burke even admitted, it sometimes needs to be changed, I do not think that one should get rid of it without good reason and without recognizing the good part that it plays. We are given a good example of this in Fiddler on the Roof, specifically in the song “Tradition.” In this song, Tevye explains the roles of each group of people (fathers, mothers, son, and daughters) within the village, and how the traditional roles of people like the rabbi and the matchmaker contribute to the village. Tradition here shows how everyone playing their role has enabled the society to continue and progress. When priests do what they are supposed to, and matchmakers and clockmakers and bakers all do what they are supposed to, life is able to roll on. On the other hand any change could cause significant problems, so change with caution, and do not throw away what is good about the old.

The best example that I can think of in our society today of how even in change, the good parts of tradition are being thrown away is in our country’s idea marriage. While I do not think that there is actually any improvement or change that can be made in the traditional idea of marriage because I believe that it is not only the best, but also the right way, we do not even see progression while keeping the good of the old. And by that I mean our society is not even recognizing homosexual marriage or co-habitation as new, but equally valid relationships with marriage. Rather, traditional marriage and commitment are being looked on as old-fashioned, boring, and limited, and are being thrown out solely in favor of new things. We are no longer building on the past, or revising the broken parts. We are getting rid of the most foundational relationship in all of society and completely replacing it with things that are more open-minded, not discriminatory, and more convenient.

Plato, in his Laws, called homosexuality an excess desire for pleasure. I think the same could be said for any relationship that rejects traditional marriage (which, consequently, is to be desired, so it is not as if we are faced with a dilemma of spending Saturday with the cool aunt, or being at home doing chores--we can have our cake and eat it too). Our excess desire for pleasure, combined with a broken ‘happiness compass’ leads our society to Amusing Ourselves to Death (Neil Postman). By rejecting the tradition of marriage, which is so foundational and basic to a society, sometimes I wonder what how our culture can survive. However, there is yet hope. "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world,” says Margaret Mead, “Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” There is still much good left in our society, and so long as we do not give up faith that there is more to this world than meets the eye, we have reason for thankfulness, joy, and hope.

Burke was right in his defense of tradition. We would do well to heed his critique in our society today and hold conservation and correction in our hands along with change and tradition.



[1] Pg. 96-97

[2] Pg. 100

[3] Pg 141

Sunday, September 16, 2007

God's attributes vs. his essence

I see two reasons (though I am sure there are more) why it is necessary that God's attributes be thought of in terms of his essence, as part of who he is, and not just in terms of qualities or characteristics of God. i.e., why it is important to think of God as Justice itself, as Faithfulness itself, and not just as faithfulness and justice being a part of his nature.

1. So that God is the measure of all things. In order for God to be the standard, the measure of all things, he cannot simply exhibit a quality, it must be a part of his essence. For if that is just an attribute of God (I don't know all of the technically correct philosophical language for this) and not the thing itself, not part of his essence, then the measure of something would be outside of God. If God is only exhibits just actions, then where does the standard or idea of justice come from? It seems as if it justice would have to be a thing external to God, if he were not that thing himself.

2. So that we can actually come to know God. If mercy is merely an attribute that God exhibits, we have know way of knowing whether or not God is truly merciful, or whether he just occasionally (or even frequently) exhibits mercy in his actions. For example, I can extend two merciful actions over the course of a week, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am merciful. Perhaps I was just in a good mood, feeling benevolent, and so therefore exhibited mercy. It wouldn't have to be a part of my character, a part of who I am, in order to explain those two instances. And if we cannot know who God is, then how can we ever have a relationship with him? It's a bit difficult to have a relationship with someone when you cannot know anything about who they really are. Not that we must comprehend the totality of Mercy in order to know God--we certainly can't even comprehend the totality of a person, but we can still come to know them.

As a side note, if justice, mercy, faithfulness, etc... are going to be considered attributes of God, it must at least be said that they are attributes of God's love, which is the only thing about which it is said that God is. We are told that God is forgiving and merciful, but with love, Scripture explicitly states "God is love." Not, "God is loving," but that he is love. So perhaps if justice is to be seen as an attribute of God, as opposed to part of his essence, it is because his essence is Love and all of God's other qualities are such that they help us understand what love is. Either way, though, it is still necessary to look at qualities of God as a part of who he really is, not just part of the way he acts. If we do not know the heart behind an action, such as in the example with my mercy, then we can't ever really come to know that person, in this case, God. And if we are to commit our life to someone, knowing them seems pretty essential.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Part 3 of 3 on Stories: John Henry Newman and the Dangers of Polite Education

Newman was one of the mystical authors that I read for my project last semester. He had a section on the danger of accomplishments, which I found very interesting, especially in light of the education that I am receiving here at Torrey. “The danger of an elegant and polite education is,” Newman says, “that it separates feeling and acting; it teaches us to think, speak, and be affected aright, without forcing us to practice what is right.” This is a problem, especially in light of the fact that “God has made us feel in order that we may go on to act in consequence of feeling.” Too much amusement or works of fiction which we use to entertain ourselves can result in the “habit of amusing ourselves” with them, until “we come at length to feel the excitement without the slightest thought or tendency to act upon it….the refinement which literature gives, is that of thinking, feeling, knowing, and speaking right, not of acting right; and thus, while it makes the manners amiable, and the conversation decorous and agreeable, it has no tendency to make the conduct, the practice of the man virtuous.” Four things immediately jumped into my head upon reading this sermon.

First, that intellect, refinement, intelligence, etc… alone are not what make a person virtuous. Right action must accompany right thought, or else it seems to me that you’d be worse off than when you started. You’ll be accountable to the knowledge that you have, and especially so when your actions do not line up with it. Knowing what to do and not doing it is worse than not knowing what to do. Persons should not be admired for their intellect alone, but for their character and the actions that flow out of their knowledge.

This leads me to my second thought, that without love, we are nothing. Even with great intelligence, without love, who cares? Sure, there may be some respect that comes for a time with education, but apart from the only thing that lasts, it does not amount to much. This is such a good reminder for myself to remember that knowing all kinds of amazing things does nothing for anyone, least of all myself, if I do not have love. If I do not have action that comes out of my thoughts, if the wisdom of great writers does not inspire me to implement truly virtuous actions in my own life…then nothing else matters, really. And the average person on the street will not care how much I know, they will be interested in how I act, how I love, whether or not I work in accordance with what I say. Not that education is bad, and in fact, my education has changed so many things about my life, and praise be to Christ, they have all been good, as far as I can tell. But education must be balanced with a right humility towards our knowledge and intellect. I Must remember that all of this comes from God in the first place, and I am simply a steward, chosen to learn certain things, but given the responsibility to use them appropriately.

The third observation that struck me was that if amusement can condition us to feel without action, and then leave us paralyzed when we really do need to act, it seems that that brings the idea of too much entertainment to another level. In watching movies, or reading too many fictional books (perhaps ones even with good messages?) we run the risk of being able to completely isolate ourselves in our own world. This seems especially true with movies and television, to an extent. We can create our own world, or rather, escape to the world of the characters in the movie, and never have to face, or feel, or own reality. Movies aren’t bad, but if they become a substitute for actually living…that’s a problem (I would probably say the same thing about video games too).

My fourth observation, related to my second, is that is seems like Newman hits on something that could be a potential problem for Torrey students, if we are not careful. Careful to not become so accustomed to our politely educated way of thinking, and rightly aligned sentiments that we cease to act, and instead reside in our own little world of thoughts without actions, thoughts without love. As with all things, education must be kept in its proper place, in the right order of things, in the right relation to the rest of our life. To quote Thomas a Kempis, “He who is truly great is he who has love.”

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Part 2 of 3 on Stories: Milton and Shakespeare vs. Spenser

I was having a discussion with my roommate last semester about stories in general, and the different ways authors will portray the battle between good and evil. I tend to like stories where good wins, and evil (which is clearly evil) loses. I like those stories because they remind me of the true nature of the world because in fact, good will ultimately win, and evil will ultimately fail. I ended up comparing some of our Torrey readings from our last semester, specifically Shakespeare and Milton vs. Spenser.

I like Spenser. I like the fact that in Spenser, good, and its triumph over evil, is clearly portrayed. The Faerie Queene is a place where the evil can be clearly seen, and a place where virtue always wins over vice. However, some could make the argument that that is Spenser’s failure: that he chose to make good and evil seem so…simple, so clear. In real life, isn't it far more complicated? more like Shakespeare and Milton, where bad guys seem good, or at least attractive (Satan in Milton) or where sometimes you just can’t tell (Henry the V). That seemed to me though, to be precisely the failures of those two authors. Milton presents us with a Satan that is more attractive, active, and interesting than God, and Shakespeare gives us villains that may be more exciting than heroes. Satan gets all the cool speeches. It actually seems kind of dangerous to me to have good and evil confused so much. These authors have seemingly virtuous characters employ seemingly vice ridden actions and this presents us with a muddled picture of morality. On the other hand, Spenser does something that neither Milton nor Shakespeare do. In the Faerie Queene, he created a picture of goodness that is happy, joy-filled. And it is never worried about its ultimate triumph, and the evil about which he writes is clearly evil and lesser, it’s passive, destructive, and uncreative, unoriginal; a corruption of that which is good, but having no independent existence on its own. In one way though, Shakespeare and Milton do seem to resemble my experiences in real life. Many times evil seems to win, evil seems to be more exciting than good, and good and evil aren’t always clearly distinguishable.

I finally decided, perhaps it is all about your perspective. Milton, Shakespeare and Spenser can all be simultaneously true, if you view the world on levels; if you recognize that we are both physical and spiritual creatures. On the one level, the level called 'the human experience', you get Shakespeare, and Henry V, and Milton, where you can’t always tell good from evil, where evil seems to win, or its at least always more fun. From our perspective, from the physical world, this is how we seen things. But on the other hand, you have the spiritual or heavenly perspective, the realm of Being. There you have the true nature of things, a Reality that is almost greater than our existence, a reality where good is always good and never evil, and will never use evil to do good (though can use evil for good), a reality where good will always triumph over evil and where evil is utterly uncreative and can only twist what is already good. In all fairness to Shakespeare and Milton, I think that when viewed rightly, their works are very good. They do paint a picture of reality as we see it day to day. And it’s good to have insight into the fact that the greatest evil can appear to be the most beautiful. It’s good to recognize and be affirmed in the fact that sometimes choices aren’t always clear, and the best option doesn’t always have a flashing marquee saying “pick me!” It’s good to also see that the best things may seem to be the hardest. For portraying the human experience which we can relate to, pick Shakespeare. Go watch Henry the V. On the other hand though, I don’t think it’s a failure of Spenser that he seems ‘out of touch with reality.’ For in fact, the reality about which he writes is actually far more real than the realities in Shakespeare and Milton—even if this doesn’t seem to be the case in our every day existence. What Spenser does is he gives us perspective, a window into another world. He says, “Let me show you how things really are. When your life becomes confusing, or when goodness seems to be letting you down, look here, look to the true nature of things and take courage, take comfort. In the end, it is a wedding. Just wait. Una and Redcrosse are betrothed now, and though Redcrosse goes off to continue in the Queen’s service, the wedding will come.”
Because humans live in a physical and spiritual realm, we can hold Shakespeare and Milton as both true and necessary to helping form our views of the world. But at the end of the day, Good wins. And when the wedding of the Lamb comes, we will dwell in a perpetual Comedy, in happiness, joy, and love, united with the King of Kings, and all his children from every kindred, tribe, and tongue."And the
angels cry hail the Lamb! And the earth will reply: You shall reign, as the King of all Kings and the Lord of all Lords."

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Part 1 of 3 on Stories: Their Danger and Power

Having had some time to reflect on last semester, I realized that my Torrey readings, my Torrey reading project, and my general learning had all overlapped to teach me some things about stories. So I have three different areas that I want to write about. The first is on Stories: Their Danger and Power.

Why we relate to, and like, grand stories

Stories are powerful, and precisely because of this fact, they have the potential for great positive and negative impact on the reader. First, I was thinking the other day about the power of stories, and especially why we like epic, or grand literature. On the one hand, Lord of the Rings, for example, is not “real life.” The adventures, struggles, and triumphs of the hobbits, elves, and men, within the books seem to be far more grand than events most people will live through in their lives. How many of us will ever bring down the power of such evil as Sauron?

At any rate, I was wondering why we would be attracted to stories that could make our existence seem mundane. I go to Wal-Mart. Frodo fights giant spiders. No comparison? And yet, I think that there is. Lord of the Rings is on a grand scale, and so it highlights in grand fashion the good of effects of virtue, and the devastating and corrupting effects of vice. All of a sudden, the seeming insignificance of my good and bad actions falls away. I realize that within my own life, my own virtue and vice, my own love or hate, are in their own way, every bit as epic as Frodo’s, in relation to who I am. Just as the ring has the power to corrupt Frodo, so my own sin has the power to corrupt me. And that’s no small matter. This epic is like viewing ‘real life’ through a magnifying lens, and seeing causes and effects on a grand scale that I think gives them significance to me.

Of course I read Lord of the Rings and do get drawn up into the epic failures and triumphs, but when I read it, and the good guys ‘win big,’ it reminds me of the power of good; when they make a mistake that has dramatic effects, it makes me realize just how much power evil can have over us if we are not vigilant and dependent upon God. In reading Lord of the Rings, I am able to see how my life, while not being lived on quite such a grand scale, is just as exciting. My successes and failures seem to be that much more profound when I think about the nature of good and evil being the same whether you’re me, or a hobbit. I see how my actions really are weighted, too. To use a very bad analogy, every time I do good, I can contribute to the overall balance of good in the world, and the same with evil. My life is connected with something so much bigger than myself. Frodo’s actions take virtue and courage, and I have to cultivate my own virtue and courage every single day.

My actions no longer seem insignificant. I realize how my own life it its own epic, its own beautiful story, colored by God’s faithfulness. That same virtue that I must have is the same virtue that Aragorn needed to rule as king. Of course, I’m not trying to be a virtuous ruler, but the principle still applies. And when I am inspired by great stories, I realize that the things which make them great triumphs (or failures) are also present in my own life. And by participating in virtue or vice, I am becoming a part of something so much bigger than myself; something that is far bigger than even Lord of the Rings, which, however grand, is still a story, a reasonable facsimile for something great. I am in life, real life, with real people, real feelings, real Good. And that seems significant.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Love Has Come

This is one of my new favorite songs that I discovered on itunes, by Matt Maher, a contemporary catholic artist. The theology is very solid and beautiful, and as I listen to it, I am reminded of how beautiful and wonderful and exciting our Story is.


With one voice the Angels sing;
songs that make creation ring
Prophets hear and call us
to live in spirit and in truth

Father Yahweh, Elohim;
voice of thunder, spirit wind
Breathe on me your very life;
Grace will make the darkness bright

Word of God enthroned,
dwell in us forevermore;
Love has come to show the way
Halleluiah, peace be with us
Love has come to show the way

God of covenant divine,
lead us to the end of time
Beyond sorrow, beyond fear;
beyond pride and earthen tears

Keeper of the sacrifice,
manifest in Jesus Christ
Born to die and wake the dead
As we hunger, keep us fed

Now salvation has come
in the New Jerusalem
Dancers dance and singers roar;
proclaiming Jesus Christ is Lord